Rubber Band or Rope

Wednesday, March 13th

Depression and Anxiety disorders can be a life crippling event, but they don't always have to be. Other's who haven't ever experienced what it feels like to go through depression claim that working out, eat right, drink plenty of water will solve all of your problems... blah blah blah. I'm not saying that those suggestions are invalid, it's just that they aren't nearly as easy as someone who hadn't dealt with depression perceives. To a normal, healthy person, those things are hard enough. Now let's mix in not even wanting to get out of bed.

"Why bother... I'm not really worth it anyways to be healthy"

Others state that you should do it for someone else if you can't do it for yourself.

"They don't really love me anyways. I'm such a burden on them so perhaps if I just stay in bed, perhaps they wont notice me"

There are a bazillion reasons why we just don't feel like getting off the couch or leaving the house. We are, not only, ashamed of ourselves for feeling so weak, but we get to a point during the darkest corners of depression and just think of how insignificant we are in this world.

Every single depressive episode that I've ever gone through has been longer and more severe as time goes on. From my experiences it seems harder and harder to get out to the other side of the abyss but something drags me out by the scruff and plops me down on my feet. I dust myself off and look back in sheer amazement on how completely horrific that was and then proceed to swear that I'll try harder to never experiences that ever again. Sadly, they come back in full force.

Honestly, for me, Anxiety/ Panic Attacks have to be some of the worst things someone will experience. I remember having one every single morning before work. I would utterly dread getting into my car so I would put it off for hours and then finally just call in sick. When I actually got into my car, I might have to pull over and sick up on the side of the road because I couldn't stop hyperventilating or just completely nauseous.  My psychiatrist proscribed these anti-anxiety pills that completely looped me out of my mind. I believe this was last years Mother's day. I was so high during our brunch with my grandmother and mother that they were extremely concerned about my health. The only thing I could do for a week was watch TV and garden a little outside.

My husband, at the time, would come home from work and I would be sitting on the couch with a loaf of bread and some meat and cheese on the side. I was too depressed to even make a full sandwich. That's pretty damn low... I'll tell you what.

Then the headaches started in the middle of my depression and I just wanted to give up so badly that it ached. I knew deep down that I was better than this; I'll get through this damn it! I know that there's strength in here somewhere. I couldn't live day to day anymore.. it was hour by hour by this time. That pain was ferocious and unrelenting and the only thing that helped was sleep. Sleep made the pain stop the depression stop. 

Depression, Anxiety, and NOW headaches were ruling my life. My husband was so incredibly frustrated with me about almost everything that a marriage could face. So much tension had built up to the point that I didn't even want him to touch me. I never wanted to be around him. Life was being exceptionally cruel. For our young fragile marriage to have to deal with ALL of this so early on; It was our marriages death sentence. I don't blame him for how he reacted. It was perfectly understandable. He lost his wife that he loved so much to an illness that was driving a massive wedge into his world.

This MUST STOP!

Neither of us were happy to say the least. We went to one single session of couples counselling and after that I moved out. I heard the absolute best quote about a failed marriage.

"Marriages are either like a rope or a rubber band.  To the rope, if there's a severed cord, the rest of the rope is still intact. To a rubber band,  if there's even a single cut, the rubber band will snap becoming unusable."

My marriage never had time to become a sturdy rope before the floor fell out.

Once I moved out, I felt so incredibly compelled to get my emotional life in order. If I didn't, I was going to end up without a job and without a place to live. Depression be damned! I went back to my psychiatrist and told him what had happened. He asked me a few questions then proscribed MORE anti-depressants.

F*** That!

This is why I went cold turkey off of my Effexor. If you would like to read that adventure Click here or here.

Took me roughly 3 weeks to actually feel whole again with no more symptoms, depression, or anxiety. Silly how that works >.<

It's been a little over 4 months now being off of any anti-depressant or anti-anxiety medication. I wont lie to you and say that I've not experienced any sort of depression. I have but they've been extremely minor and manageable. I now know exactly what it is and start to head it off before it becomes intolerable. I go out with my friends or I go up and hang out with my family. I needed to get away and stop thinking about all of the things that have occurred my life. They are no longer in my hands.

Take everything that you learn and hold it tight. File it away and use it every day to become a stronger person.

With Hope,

~Ash